I think I'm insane

I'm a 35 married man with two adolescent kids that I adore, and two cats. I love all my family. I'm a vegetarian, I do charity work at church and nurse back to health every stray animal I meet. I'm well liked among my coworkers and my boss loves me. BUT, there is this woman, a fat blonde woman who looks like Kevin Malone from the Office with a thin wig, obese mind you, and runs a Sailor Moon fan page on tumblr and I absolutely despise her. We haven't talked, we haven't met, but the mere sight of her stupid face makes me furious. I don't know if it's because her poor dietary habits, her gender identity or how ugly she is, but every time I remember her I have to contain the impulse of bullying her and try to hurt her somehow. What is wrong with me? I somehow think it cannot be for no reason and she must deserve it, but why?

Comments (1)

admin I've been there before. I HATED this little autistic kid in my neighborhood would just play basketball by himself. It made no sense and there was no basis for it. It felt so weird and bothered me (because I knew the kid was just being a kid and he didn't deserve it) UNTIL I read a book of essays. I still have the book and circled the paragraph because it made so much sense. I'll type out the paragraph below "Most negative emotional reactions are you identifying a disassociated aspect of yourself. Your "shadow selves" are the parts of you that at some point you were conditioned to believe were "not okay," so you suppressed them and have done everything in your power to not acknowledge them. You don't actually dislike these parts of yourself, though. So when you see somebody else displaying on of those traits, it's infuriating, not because you inherently dislike it, but because you have to fight your desire to filly integrate it into your consciousness. The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself." I hated that little kid because he was just enjoying himself by himself and I trained myself to prioritize social situations but I have to plan everything if I want anything to happen. It infuriated me that he could just go outside and play and be happy. The only way to get the true answer is to reflect on yourself and see what she's doing that you miss or have hidden deep down. If you want to read the whole essay, it's the very first essay in Brianna Wiest's "101 Essays that will change the way you think". I think the book is very informative and smart but I also couldn't get myself to pick up the book again after essay #35 because I got bored. I hope I'll get back to it eventually.
1 year ago

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