roro OP Hi, there. I can only answer this question from the standpoint of someone who was married to a person whose sadism was not done with consent. It is an entirely different thing to be married to a person who is sadistic sexually but who responsibly practices safe, sane kink. I want it made very clear that sadism practiced with consent and in a respectful manner, as a kink with other consenting adult play partners is NOT what I’m talking about here, and I respect the kink community. Responsible kink is a fascinating subject and is not in any way, shape, or form, related to real “abuse” as I understand it from the survivor’s perspective. Hokay. So with that disclaimer aside, I will answer your question. It’s Hell. It is an insidious, twisted, sick, mind-destroying descent into a nightmare world from which a normal mind is unlikely to return in any state that allows the victim to function normally ever again. Part of nonconsensual sexual sadism done by a spouse is to convince the victim that he or she is “learning to consent” to what is being done to her or him, because, as we know, marriage is a sacred trust. My abuser methodically used torture techniques on me to twist my mind. He used sleep deprivation, food deprivation, religious domination (you haven’t lived until you’ve had the Bible read to you during a torture session), gaslighting, and every textbook technique known to twist my mind into believing that he not only had the right to sexually torture me, but that this was what God wanted. And before you say to yourself, and you will, that this couldn’t happen to you, let me assure you that it could. I am intelligent. I am college educated. I was as normal and bright and healthy as any woman could be. And I met and was drawn in by a sadistic, very skilled abuser who knew exactly what he was doing. And I bit. And most young women in my position would have done the same thing. You know why? Because these vampiric, dangerous people (and they can be male or female or gender queer non-binary) know exactly how to reel you in. The nonconsensual sexual sadist who victimizes a spouse is nothing if not artistic. They take the most beautiful expression of love and intimate joy in marriage and they use pleasure to condition the victim. Sex can be used like a drug. And the victim, at first, believes that he or she has found a deep, sparkling well of pleasure and learns to trust the spouse, because, well…they’re your spouse. And you love them. And this is the best sex you’ve ever had. Until one day, pretty early on…they start their shaping of your mind. They keep you awake for 24 hours and when you ask and then beg to go to sleep, they demand sex first. But this sex doesn’t feel very good. This sex hurts and it isn’t consensual, but hey, they’re your spouse and you did SAY YES, in order to be allowed to sleep. And so it begins. I am lucky. I only have a few physical injuries. I have a broken vertebra in my back which I found during a medical exam, a severed tendon in my right hand (punishment for having left briefly), and PTSD which I have learned to manage pretty well, using traditional medicine and natural medicine (I recommend Ibogaine, illegal in the US but used in 55 countries for mental health and addiction recovery). The sexual sadist in marriage makes the victim live in a 24/7 state of fear and exhaustion. The perpetrator uses sex to both reward and punish. The perpetrator convinces the victim that everything that he or she does is consensual and that the victim cannot trust their own mind to perceive reality correctly. It is a descent into madness. It causes dissociation in order to keep the mind functioning. Some such minds cannot heal. Mine did. Partially, anyway. I fought like hell to put my mind back together. I still fight for it. My abuser was so good at what he did that he tailored his abuse to the victim. His other victims have found me and accessed me to process what was done to them. One of them needed reconstructive surgery. She calls me once or twice a year because she knows I understand. During our conversations, she and I sussed out that this man abused us according to what would cause each of us the most pain and shame. At least he cared enough to examine us intimately, right? You know you’re something else when your exes get together for a freaking support group. I am happy to report that both this other woman and I are now married to good people who do not abuse us. But she and I share a bond that we both cherish and wish we did not share. We are survivors. And that animal did not destroy us.

2 years ago